Auster,
Auster,
Forgive me for being blunt, but it feels like you haven't been reading my letters. This isn't something new. I've felt it since you first started going to boarding school. I sent letter after letter, keeping our promise, but I haven't once gotten a letter back from you in all these four years. I know you said I can't contact you over text, and I know it to be true after unanswered and unread texts, but without letters, contacting you while you're away is impossible. It sucks. I don't think it's your fault and they might not give you the time to write back, but it really, really sucks. I miss you a lot during the school year, and there's always so much I want to talk about. A lot of changes and realizations. A lot of my own, but some of yours, too.
You've changed, Auster. You've been changing since you left and you've been changing a lot. I've noticed you haven't been smiling as much when we do get to talk, and how you don't talk as much. Don't try and tell me you smile and talk as much as you always have. They're not real smiles and they're not topics you actually care about. There's a certain light in your eyes whenever you really care about something and I've seen it less and less. And with it I've seen you care less and less, actually.
You're meaner than you used to be. You're actually just mean now. Before you used to give people chances and let mistakes happen, but now? Now you'll lash out at anyone who makes even a tiny mistake. You can apologize for it all you want after the fact, but it doesn't matter if you do it again. I miss the you that let people make mistakes and didn't yell at people for stuff. Also the you that didn't make fun of people? I don't know why you started to pick on people but I miss it when you didn't do that. You've changed for the worse and I hope you know that.
So what if people don't speak formally! Not everyone needs to. Sometimes you come off as an asshole using all of your fancy words in casual conversation. Honestly I'd think it's kinda cute if you didn't think so highly of yourself because of it. "Oh, I'm Auster and I'll use superfluously long words to show I'm better than everyone else." Fuck off! I'm sorry for the language and I'm sorry if this is coming off harsher than I'm meaning it to but but it's honestly sorta elitist. I remember you telling me to bonk you if I found you doing anything elitist so that's me doing it through writing, I guess.
Or maybe I'm just looking for things where they don't exist because I'm jealous of all the people who get to talk to you daily. Maybe if I point out enough changes you'll be able to convince your parents to let you stop going to boarding school and you can come back here. You can come back to me. Maybe all of this is selfish and it's just me noticing things that aren't really there because I miss you.
I really, really miss you.
I miss the you that I spent every single lunch with and I miss the you that I'd play tag with and I miss the you that would pass me stupid notes in class. But also even if that really isn't the you now, I'd still take whatever you you currently are over the silence I've been getting. People change over time and if you're worried that I won't like you anymore or something like that, that'll never be the case. You'll still always be my Auster, and I'll still always love you. I promise.
Anyway, I met a boy named Remiel earlier this week. He's a transfer student and I think he might be able to compete with you with how seriously he takes his studies. It doesn't look like he has any friends because of it, and when I tried talking to him he just gave me this look like he didn't want to even be seen by me. I don't know if it's just his resting face or not but I really hope it is.
Hey, Auster? Can you promise me something? Next time we meet, tell me if you still like me or not. Honestly. I haven't heard from you since summer and it's exhausting being the only one holding up this relationship. I just want to know. It's okay if you don't, I know not all relationships last forever and you wouldn't be the only one of our friends to leave, but I want to know if it's okay for me to continue loving you.
I miss talking to you a lot, but I also miss kissing you. I miss hugging you and keeping all of it our little secret. Even if other people find out, there's no way for them to *know.* They won't know our type of love is the boy and boy way and not the boy and girl way. But if you don't want that anymore, if you wanna go back to just being friends or if you're just tired of me in every way that's okay.
I think I'm gonna come out at graduation. I don't know if you'll be there and I don't know if you even care but I think that's when I'll tell everyone I'm a boy. That my name is actually Briar and that that's what I want to be known as. I hope you can be there. I want you to be there. Even if I don't come out, I want you to be there. I want you to respond to my fucking letters.
I want you to respond to me.
I miss you, Auster.